Roi d'Étre et de Néant

Today was so oddly interesting, really--I'm surprised and happy for it. :)

I woke up thinking that I hadn't done my French homework yet and found that I had finished it a week ago. We took our final listening comprehension test today and it went alright. Some words I didn't understand at all, but in general it wasn't too bad understanding what was said. I've noticed that I can understand French music pretty well now, or rather--I don't have to look up French lyrics for songs as much to understand what a song is about--unless it's a complex song. That's really great! Compare that to this time last year when listening AND speaking were my weakest skills. Now, the only thing I need to do is practice my speaking more--I've decided to speak/think entirely or mostly in French when I'm in my dorm or by myself. This really works.

I've also finally found, or decided on, a program that will get me to France without costing my parents anything and without even needing to involve them. It's the Assistantship program sponsored by the French government that pays American students/graduates to teach English to French students. It's really neat and costs only $35 to apply to, although there is a lot of paperwork involved and you have to apply a year in advance for placement, but it really can't hurt to apply. As I've heard, a lot of people get accepted and get placed where they want to if they apply early(first deadline is in November). I realized a while ago that it would be a really cool thing to do, considering at the rate I'm going I will be graduating early(or so I think, we'll see after I get my Art History degree plan). It never hurts to just apply and see how it goes. I talked to my French prof. about it and surprisingly she said it would likely be a good deal for me, I honestly thought she would say I was too timid to even consider it. I really like her, she's super nice. :) So I think I'll apply, if I get accepted groovy, if not I'll just do my final semester and then apply for the following year.

While I waited to talk to an advisor in hopes of clarifying my early-graduation prospects, I was asked to model for the upcoming fashion design show. I was really flattered, as this is the second time in less than a month that someone told me I should model. We'll see how it goes; girl can't say no to wearing gorgeous clothes for free. ;).

What else happened today...hmm. Oh! Got an email about my entrance exam so soon I will have that degree plan! It'll be nice to finally have it, I feel like I've been neglecting my art history major, by this time next year I'll be done with my French major so it's about time I get busy with this one.

Speaking of next year, I'm so excited for my classes. I've signed up for three art history course: African Art, Modernism, and Topics in Contemporary art. I've signed up for two French courses: advanced French grammar and advanced French literature III. My last class is Honors world literature(I'm thinking of taking my humanities course over the summer and just doing an honors contract instead of taking 18 hours). Looks like I'll have a full load again, but I think since it will be mostly classes for my majors it won't be so annoying. Fall semester is always my more interesting semester(course wise). Though I must say...this semester has been rather interesting and by the most amazing one I've had so far...for obvious reasons.

so, my vacation in paris is almost over and I'm very sad. I wish I could travel around France, but I haven't the time. I've seen a lot of really cool stuff. I'm trying to decide if I'll go to Versailles tomorrow(I know I said I HAD to go) or the Louvre. I realized I'm not that interested in going to specific places...I like just walking around aimlessly until I find something interesting. Like today I walked along le quai de musee d'orsay and found the Grande Palais and then realized that the Goya exhibition I've been seeing signs about everywhere was at the Petit Palais. Sooo...I went in there, paid 4,50 euros and it was really cool. Then I walked from there to avenue de la motte piquette grenelle(close to my hotel), realized I'd gone the wrong way...took the metro two stops and went back to my hotel for a nap. Now I'm hanging out at a internet cafe off of st.germaine.

my first day was by far the most exciting, interesting, and fun day. It honestly made my trip worth-wild and made me realize that I need this place. I've never felt more at home anywhere else.
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HOLY CRAP! Did I mention I saw "the Fountain"? I freaking stood next to Duchamp's "Fountain"! I nearly passed out when I saw it and of course I took a picture next to it. Oh my goodness...I friggin' saw "the fountain."

"Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'automne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Tout suffocant
Et blême, quand
Sonne l'heure,
Je me souviens
Des jours anciens
Et je pleure,

Et je m'en vais
Au vent mauvais
Qui m'emporte
Deçà, delà
Pareil à la
Feuille morte."

I realized that this is the same poet that had relations with my favorite French poet thus far, Authur Rimbaud(ri bo), the I is nasal but I can't make the symbol...so yeah. Anyway, I love Rimbaud, he's amazing. This is one of the poems I have to memorize and recite Tuesday.

I'm so very tired. I can't just sleep it off either. I'm restless--I often get like this and I can't stand it. I want to do extra EVERYTHING but at the same time I have absolutely no motivation. I should fast I think, maybe that will get me out of this funk. Next week will be busy: two tests, poem recitations, meet with advisors, get busy with honors contract(!!!!!), submit information for NSE. phew...busy busy.

I need to pay more attention to my responses for lit class. I get so embarassed when I make stupid mistakes like saying "collection" instead of "recueil"-WE WENT OVER THIS IN THE CLASS BEFORE, saying la ligne instead of vers--WE WENT OVER THIS THE CLASS BEFORE DANG IT!! I bet my teacher thinks I'm such an idiot or a slacker. I feel like one. It amazes me how much I beat myself up about the mistakes, yet I keep doing it...I've made myself a schedule though, so I can get accelerate my skills. I'm going to actually use the grammer and verb and vocabulary books I bought over the summer.

EDIT: here's the whole poem

Si je vous le disais pourtant, que je vous aime,
Qui sait, brune aux yeux bleus, ce que vous en diriez ?
L'amour, vous le savez, cause une peine extrême ;
C'est un mal sans pitié que vous plaignez vous-même ;
Peut-être cependant que vous m'en puniriez.

Si je vous le disais, que six mois de silence
Cachent de longs tourments et des voeux insensés :
Ninon, vous êtes fine, et votre insouciance
Se plaît, comme une fée, à deviner d'avance ;
Vous me répondriez peut-être : Je le sais.

Si je vous le disais, qu'une douce folie
A fait de moi votre ombre, et m'attache à vos pas :
Un petit air de doute et de mélancolie,
Vous le savez, Ninon, vous rend bien plus jolie;
Peut-être diriez-vous que vous n'y croyez pas.

Si je vous le disais, que j'emporte dans l'âme
Jusques aux moindres mots de nos propos du soir :
Un regard offensé, vous le savez, madame,
Change deux yeux d'azur en deux éclairs de flamme ;
Vous me défendriez peut-être de vous voir.

Si je vous le disais, que chaque nuit je veille,
Que chaque jour je pleure et je prie à genoux ;
Ninon, quand vous riez, vous savez qu'une abeille
Prendrait pour une fleur votre bouche vermeille ;
Si je vous le disais, peut-être en ririez-vous.

Mais vous n'en saurez rien. Je viens, sans rien en dire,
M'asseoir sous votre lampe et causer avec vous ;
Votre voix, je l'entends ; votre air, je le respire ;
Et vous pouvez douter, deviner et sourire,
Vos yeux ne verront pas de quoi m'être moins doux.

Je récolte en secret des fleurs mystérieuses :
Le soir, derrière vous, j'écoute au piano
Chanter sur le clavier vos mains harmonieuses,
Et, dans les tourbillons de nos valses joyeuses,
Je vous sens, dans mes bras, plier comme un roseau.

La nuit, quand de si loin le monde nous sépare,
Quand je rentre chez moi pour tirer mes verrous,
De mille souvenirs en jaloux je m'empare ;
Et là, seul devant Dieu, plein d'une joie avare,
J'ouvre, comme un trésor, mon coeur tout plein de vous.

J'aime, et je sais répondre avec indifférence ;
J'aime, et rien ne le dit ; j'aime, et seul je le sais ;
Et mon secret m'est cher, et chère ma souffrance ;
Et j'ai fait le serment d'aimer sans espérance,
Mais non pas sans bonheur ; je vous vois, c'est assez.

Non, je n'étais pas né pour ce bonheur suprême,
De mourir dans vos bras et de vivre à vos pieds.
Tout me le prouve, hélas ! jusqu'à ma douleur même...
Si je vous le disais pourtant, que je vous aime,
Qui sait, brune aux yeux bleus, ce que vous en diriez ?

My schedule now fully decided upon. My honors contract is signed. I'm really happy with my classes.

Beginning figure drawing was a bust yesterday simply because we did gesture drawing all day. I love gesture drawing, but not 5 second drawing. I'm just no good at it. The sustained ones were interesting though, i had fun with those. I think the class will be more interesting as time progresses. I like my Honors Human Development class too, it's really interesting and best of all-- NO TESTS!! It's just research, analysis, discussion. I love that. It'll be really fun.

Now, my two favorite classes: Adv. French Phonetics and Adv. French literature. They are great. My teachers are so helpful. I'm really excited about the Honors contract that I'll be doing, I have to decide what kind of work I'd like to do. My professor seemed really happy to help me and likes that I want to do something with Céline's novel "Journey to the end of the Night." I was thinking of a research paper, but what topic? His style or should I do something about the novelist and his affiliation with the Vichy Regime during WWII. I'm so interested in this time period for France and in the different views that came up during that time of German occupation. I feel nervous about discussing this with my professor, I'm afraid he might be one of the people who completely resents people's bashing of Céline and disregard of his amazing work. I'll probably go to the library to get some books. I need to start reading the six or seven books I bought over the summer. I really need to get more information about him and his book(which I have and need to read), before I go and talk to him about what I would like to do.

As far as LHA, lots of work coming up. We had a four hour meeting Tuesday and got the budget and programs figured out. Our first General Assembly is Tuesday.

I got a job at the art gallery and just realized I left my Social Security card in my old wallet at home. I can't believe I didn't pack it. Plus, I had to turn in my birth certificate with my passport application. Oh man...

This has been an odd week for me. From changing my schedule constantly to trying to make sure I get all the paperwork, books, homework, and posters done. This semester will be very busy.


Monday I met with the academic advisor for the Honors College, who happens to be the same advisor for NSE. I filled out the Honors contract for French Literature, since I was unable to add an honors course to my schedule at the time, and I got my placement acceptance form signed for the University of Regina. Then, on my way to work I turned in my passport application--so I'm all set.

I ended up dropping my Business Calculus class because I had a bad feeling about the teacher...what to add. I really want to take 15hrs, right now I'm at 12. that's not going to work. I found out I can get an override for Ancient Roman Art, but, I know it's silly, but I don't want to have a class Friday. ugggh. Honors Human development then?

I finally got my books last week and some other stuff. Also, I've sent my application for the NSE. I hope all goes well.

I've been listening to Edith Piaf lately, what an amazing voice. I love the way she rolls her r's, it's fantastic.

I just lost my train of thought after finding out that one of my friend's friends was in a motorcycle accident and is in ICU: http://www.dentonrc.com/sharedcontent/dws/drc/localnews/stories/DRC_Fatality_7-17.803c2dbc.html

This is really sad. After the Tomatoe was burned to bits, I thought that UNT had gotten enough excitement for the summer, I guess not. I hope she pulls through.

I'm sitting here staring at my computer who is staring at me while I read about other people's lives. I'm so envious. I just finished French Lessons by Alice Kaplan -a book that made me wish I had gone to Duke University and had the vague chance of being one of her students- and I am floored as to how interesting her life is/was. A few tragic moments here and there, but really, how interesting! How excitingly different!

The story begins to hold interest when the reader begins to follow a 15 year old girl who gets sent off to boarding school in Switzerland and from then on has a love affair with the French language and culture. She continues on to receive her PhD from Yale and studied under Paul De Man during this time, who was considered a literary genius for his work with deconstructionism, but after his death discovered to have written for a collaborative newspaper during WWII. Later she interviews one of the biggest facist(and well, only one still living) of French History, Maurice Bardèche, brother in law of the convicted and executed collaborator Robert Brasillach. I mean really, even though he was a devastating man, a negationist, an anti-Semitic, and ruthless, how amazing it is to have been the first to interview him and reveal him to the world? Not only that, but to be Jewish, fluent in French, educated--a complete contradiction to the inferiority of Jews that Nazi Germany collaborators and negationist proclaimed to be true. That's amazing, in my opinion. It's permenately etching oneself into the history books, permenately making oneself an authority on French fascism.

So, back to the slow life. Yes, I remember. I wake up, go to work, do school work, read, paint, study french. Although, at least I can catch up on some good reading time, here's what I've got lined up: Death on the Installment Plan by Celine, Voyage au bout de la nuit by Celine, Zazie dans le Metro by Raymond Queneau.

I think I'll start a short story, just for kicks. I'll make it something of an assignment and base it off of historical facts--perhaps I'll dabble in fascism, nihilism, existenialism and WWI/II war crimes. That way, I'll have to do a lot of research and learn a great deal while I write. Oh, I'm excited now! I guess it's nice having so much free time.

I will be in the Residence Hall Association for Legends. I will be a treasurer, mmmhmm. It's going to be so much fun.

L’été est très long! Aie, je suis toujours fatiguée. Je ne sais pourquoi….c’est bizarre. C’est un été de français, c’est vrai. Je l’étudie beaucoup, mais, mon cours de la conversation est trop difficile (ou, peut-être pas, mais c’est difficile parler parce que beaucoup de gens veulent parler trop, donc, je n’ai aucune chance car je suis timide, ma prononciation est mauvaise, etc.). Mais, parce que je dois passer l’examen DELF II, il faut que j’essaye apprendre autant que possible. Je passe l’examen de mon intermédiaire le week-end. J’espère qu’il sera facile.