Roi d'Étre et de Néant

Today was so oddly interesting, really--I'm surprised and happy for it. :)

I woke up thinking that I hadn't done my French homework yet and found that I had finished it a week ago. We took our final listening comprehension test today and it went alright. Some words I didn't understand at all, but in general it wasn't too bad understanding what was said. I've noticed that I can understand French music pretty well now, or rather--I don't have to look up French lyrics for songs as much to understand what a song is about--unless it's a complex song. That's really great! Compare that to this time last year when listening AND speaking were my weakest skills. Now, the only thing I need to do is practice my speaking more--I've decided to speak/think entirely or mostly in French when I'm in my dorm or by myself. This really works.

I've also finally found, or decided on, a program that will get me to France without costing my parents anything and without even needing to involve them. It's the Assistantship program sponsored by the French government that pays American students/graduates to teach English to French students. It's really neat and costs only $35 to apply to, although there is a lot of paperwork involved and you have to apply a year in advance for placement, but it really can't hurt to apply. As I've heard, a lot of people get accepted and get placed where they want to if they apply early(first deadline is in November). I realized a while ago that it would be a really cool thing to do, considering at the rate I'm going I will be graduating early(or so I think, we'll see after I get my Art History degree plan). It never hurts to just apply and see how it goes. I talked to my French prof. about it and surprisingly she said it would likely be a good deal for me, I honestly thought she would say I was too timid to even consider it. I really like her, she's super nice. :) So I think I'll apply, if I get accepted groovy, if not I'll just do my final semester and then apply for the following year.

While I waited to talk to an advisor in hopes of clarifying my early-graduation prospects, I was asked to model for the upcoming fashion design show. I was really flattered, as this is the second time in less than a month that someone told me I should model. We'll see how it goes; girl can't say no to wearing gorgeous clothes for free. ;).

What else happened today...hmm. Oh! Got an email about my entrance exam so soon I will have that degree plan! It'll be nice to finally have it, I feel like I've been neglecting my art history major, by this time next year I'll be done with my French major so it's about time I get busy with this one.

Speaking of next year, I'm so excited for my classes. I've signed up for three art history course: African Art, Modernism, and Topics in Contemporary art. I've signed up for two French courses: advanced French grammar and advanced French literature III. My last class is Honors world literature(I'm thinking of taking my humanities course over the summer and just doing an honors contract instead of taking 18 hours). Looks like I'll have a full load again, but I think since it will be mostly classes for my majors it won't be so annoying. Fall semester is always my more interesting semester(course wise). Though I must say...this semester has been rather interesting and by the most amazing one I've had so far...for obvious reasons.

I've found recently that I really badly need to practice speaking French. My French conversation class is fine, but I need to speak it more frequently than twice a week--I need it everyday!

I think I'm just missing hearing everyone around me(except for the people who came with me) speaking French. It was great...I know I could have spoke more but I was extremely timid until Thursday and the "incident," which showed me that I can speak pretty well. I just wish there was a way to practice speaking here! I need to grab a classmate and make it mandatory that we speak to each other only in French...I need to find someone who's not timid though...hmmm.


I'm really excited about the scholarship ceremony next week. I have no idea what scholarship I got and the mystery is killing me! Hahah. I'm also excited because soon this semester will be over and each day I'm closer and closer to the summer and maybe even going back to France if my friend's offer still stands and I can get my finances in order. Let us cross our fingers. :)

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Recently in survey II we've been discussing orientalism and "otherness" in the sense of the depiction of non-european women in modern art(think Picasso and Matisse) and, equally, the depiction and treatment of women in art in general. The latter doesn't intrigue me as much as the former, mainly because the concept of "otherness" is a bit more of a daunting issue for me than femininity. Moreover, while pondering why Picasso and many of his contemporaries chose to pursue l'art negré or orientalism in their art, it made me think of why France enamores me so and why other things, more domestic things, do not.

I guess the intrigue comes also from the idea hinted on by L.Ferdinand Céline in "Voyage au bout de la Nuit," the idea of getting as far away from where one is in hopes of reaching some form of happiness, while at the same time having the--although pessimistic--realistic acknowledgement that wherever one goes, the "night" is inescapable(although, admittedly, that's not what I'm talking about, but how can one reference Nietzchan philosophy without mentioning Voyage?). It's that hopefulness and interest in what it is like to be something other than what one is and, I guess, trying to figure it out. I've always, albeit unconsciously, thought of my home, Houston, Texas, and, increasingly, the United States as a sort of void or blackhole which I can either escape or plummet into, either willingly or not. I believe this to be a leifmotiv between me and my siblings(or at least the two older ones), ongoing fear of the "void." Although we've never talked about it, I think it's the rapport we have between one another which binds us.

What does this have to do with "otherness? and France? Well, the "other" is that escape for me. The idea of seperation from what is normalcy here and, therefore, becoming the "other" but at the same time having the power to choose. By and by, in France I have that power. I'm different because I am American, and different in the U.S. because I am not like all Americans nor am I French or want to be--what I am is an individual who, perhaps imaginatively and marginally, has cultivated her own little space of existence. Unlike Picasso's Demoiselles or Matisse's falsified L'asie , I would have the power to choose my distinctiveness, more so than I've had that here--no one would be able to cover me with fake meaing, no one important, anyway. Freedom from the void. Yves Klein was trying to find it and I'm trying to get away from it, but of course in this context it has two meanings. Miraculously this ties back to Céline in the sense that one could say my "night" is the void and like Bardamu(the main character in the novel) I'm trying my hardest to find a way out. Let us hope that our results aren't connected also.