Roi d'Étre et de Néant

Stop all this mindlessness!

Tue, 06 May 2008 19:52:08 GMT

After trying to get an appointment last week with an advisor for the Language Department and being told to email the new advisor and after doing so receiving no email, and upon asking today if there was a chance I could have an appointment for sometime this week being told flat out no without anyone even looking to see if there was room, I am thoroughly done with the language department.

Not only that, but me and my partner for my French conversation final(yes, we have partners) worked from 11 to 1pm today working on this ridiculous final, I've found that I am not just really pessimistic when it comes to this class, no-no! I'm apparently not the only one who thinks this class does little to nothing to improve conversation skills. What it does do, however, is teach one how to put a set of pre-formed sentences together to create a mock conversation. That's why when I speak to native speakers I feel so awkward because I'm not speaking...it's my textbook...Its me, as my Roman art prof might say, regurgitating phrases that have no meaning. Mindless conversing--and that's exactly what it sounds like.

Throughout this class the thing that's got me each time on presentations was me battling with the fact that, apparently, my idea of a Conversation course is actually conversing, and conversing, to me, requires a certain amount of spontenaity that, for instance, being given a subject/scenario a head of time(say weeks) that one must prepare and speak about, having already formed every sentence, every phrase, every reaction before hand, does not provide. That being said...My embarrasment that my friend who never speaks English was able to have a better conversation in that language than I could in French, which I practice speaking two times a week is well founded. Everything in that class was made to be rehersed, with a specific time limit, a specific topic, a specific structure for each presentation, a specific addition to each presentation that must be present...all of it so structured and thought-out beforehand that the very thing that makes a conversation a conversation is phased out. What are we left with? Regurgitations and actions meant only to gain a high grade that essentially means nothing because one hasn't improved at all in the area which he or she was in the class to improve in the first place! What we learn, essentially, is to not think on our toes but figure it out a head of time...which doesn't work when one needs something other than advice about a roommate, the metro, or opinions about where to travel for the weekend.

What a waste of money...It's sad I couldn't push through this ideological conflict I was having throughout the semester and just do the work the way I needed to in order to get an A, but it so annoyed me that I lost interest entirely in a class...resulting in a wonderful B. I can't stand classes where I walk away thinking: "I could have just bought the book and went through it alone."

This makes me realize the conversation class I took at the Allience de Française Houston was ten times better than this because, although the subject of each session was specific and I was in a level too high for me to participate, we were allowed to just talk to one another and let the subjects come and go...we were actually conversing. I wish I'd waited to take that class.

Now, I've got a problem. My study abroad program and courses has been approved by the Art department and the SA office, but not foreign language. I wanted, since the deposit is non-refundable, to find out which French course would transfer over before I pre-register...all I needed...was for her to look at the courses and say ok! I'm on the border with this people...on the border. I finally find a beautiful program and FORL switches advisors(and I loved the old one...so helpful!)...I've got a feeling in my gut this woman will be difficult. Please....please no.

Catholic University of Paris?

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:55:36 GMT

After talking to Dr. B and finding several programs in Paris in my price range(I was rather confused as to why I'd never found anything this cheap even though I've been searching for a year now! Reason: never looked at programs in Paris ~_~).

So, I happenedt to look in my Paris Abroad book and was reminded of the Institut Catholique de Paris(called the Catholic University Paris in English), so I looked at the website and realized I'd never gone to it before. Anyway, what I found was not only do they have a department for foreign students to take French classes(in addition to a number of culture classes which include art history(at least five different courses for intermediate level), film, literature, etc) and get college credit(of course they use the ECTS system, but that's not that big of a deal). The super-plus part of this is that there are a ton of organizations for international students to connect with French students at the university and to blog about their experiences. In addition, the placement exam is taken before you get there, so there is not as much confusion about what classes you may or may not be able to take (oral part is taken on site with a professor that helps you set up your schedule). Moreover, tuition for a semester is under $3000 and the only downside is finding your own housing--luckily someone passed on to me a great website for student lodging. This is a great option for me because they offer so many art history classes that won't result in me being behind, plus my mom is accepting of this because 1)I know Paris better 2) it's only a semester 3) tuition is less than we pay here. This would be a much better option than the English teaching program as I'd still be able to graduate early...mmmm, sounds like a plan(another one anyway, I have so many don't I?).

Going to the SA office Wednesday to see what they think, if it's a go with then I'm going to die of excitement.

Closer and closer...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:43:30 GMT

Soon this dreaded semester will be finished! I'm so excited. Next week I have: my final oral presentation and last paper due in my political science class. After which I can focus on finals! Out of the seven classes I'm taking I have finals in four of them, which is rather bizarre. Even more bizarre is that these classes require rather passive test-studying. I never end up having to seriously study for a test to make an A. Bizarre... Soeaking of A's, I finally got an A on a oral presentation in my converstation class, YESSSS! I have made spoken-french-progress. Yes indeedy. I don't know how all of a sudden I'm indifferent about speaking in front of people now--this is great though.

However, I'm rather confused. Today I gave my exposé in my cinema class on the film Le goût des autres . In the article that we had to read, the critic mentions Freud's psychosexual theory because of the use of the word "goût" in the title. Since, in my opinion, the idea of "goût" (which means taste) in the context of the film really has a psychosocial sense I chose to use Erik Erikson's theory on the subject for my topic for my exposé. Granted I didn't bother going into great detail about his theory because, well, I knew no one would really care. Anyway, after explaining that the theory, in a nutshell, has to do with the idea that throughout our developement our interactions with others helps to shape/find our own sense of identity, I asked a rather simple question: "Do you think that the movie supports or refutes Erikson's theory?" Any the response, which I thought would be pretty good because it's a thought-provoking question? Cringing faces of confusion. Either I somehow developed horribly bad French grammar/pronunciation/something to make me incomprehensible, or this just went over everyone's head. Even my professor, when revising the question for everyone(which he usually does for each exposé) didn't really get what I was saying(granted he hardly ever hears what I say because, as he says : "je ne t'ai pas entendu, Charisse, encore mais plus fort" (or something like that). In the end, people settled on the idea that I was asking whether or not the identity of the characters was changed by their experiences. Not exactly what I was getting at but...who cares...it got them talking so mission accomplished!

In more intriguing news, I finally got an email about the modeling thing. Apparently there's something on Thursday from 8 to 5 I'm suppose to be participating in--WHAT!? Not only do I have my French class where I will be working with my group for my final presentation that day, but it's the last day of lecture for my art history class AND I have work in the art gallery. I was told that I'd be modeling for the May 3rd show, so I replied to the email to see if I'm actually needed Thursday by the girl who recruited me(I have no idea what her name was)...I hope not because I really don't want to miss my classes although I really want to participate. Wow, that sounds ridiculous, but it's true.

C'est 2h12

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 07:25:58 GMT

It's 2:12am and I can't sleep..again. I think to say I have insomnia would be stretching but, I have to admit, I do have difficulty getting to sleep at a decent hour.

I was thinking of watching one of the Jean-Luc Godard movies that I got from the media library, since last weekend I got two French movies(Zou zou and Le Mépris and actually watched them both! Both of them were good, but Le Mépris was definitely not my favorite Godard film--I much prefer Une femme est une femme and À bout de souffle. I'm such a Nouvelle Vague nut now, absolutely love old French flicks.

Zou zou was quite a bit older(made in the 1930s) starring Joséphine Baker who was obsolutely stunning in that film, by as an actress, singer, and just a beautiful woman. She's really inspiring.

-------

I've been in such a good mood since Paris, but things that happened this week have completely bummed me out. I'm not really sad, just disappointed and frustrated--more and more I found people to be really disapppointing: my group members haven't sent me their work; a guy from one of my classes completely weirded me out(I won't get into it); and something else happened that has me feeling both embarassed and disappointed, although I can't be really sad about it because it was such an amazing thing. I'm in a state on inbetweenness, I'm not sure how I feel...I'm just annoyed, though, that the people I've had to deal with had such a negative effect on me when I'd been so excited and happy about everything up until Tuesday. Now, even though it's all over, I can't shake this feeling. I'm just thinking way too much.

What an odd day...

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:56:21 GMT

Today was so oddly interesting, really--I'm surprised and happy for it. :)

I woke up thinking that I hadn't done my French homework yet and found that I had finished it a week ago. We took our final listening comprehension test today and it went alright. Some words I didn't understand at all, but in general it wasn't too bad understanding what was said. I've noticed that I can understand French music pretty well now, or rather--I don't have to look up French lyrics for songs as much to understand what a song is about--unless it's a complex song. That's really great! Compare that to this time last year when listening AND speaking were my weakest skills. Now, the only thing I need to do is practice my speaking more--I've decided to speak/think entirely or mostly in French when I'm in my dorm or by myself. This really works.

I've also finally found, or decided on, a program that will get me to France without costing my parents anything and without even needing to involve them. It's the Assistantship program sponsored by the French government that pays American students/graduates to teach English to French students. It's really neat and costs only $35 to apply to, although there is a lot of paperwork involved and you have to apply a year in advance for placement, but it really can't hurt to apply. As I've heard, a lot of people get accepted and get placed where they want to if they apply early(first deadline is in November). I realized a while ago that it would be a really cool thing to do, considering at the rate I'm going I will be graduating early(or so I think, we'll see after I get my Art History degree plan). It never hurts to just apply and see how it goes. I talked to my French prof. about it and surprisingly she said it would likely be a good deal for me, I honestly thought she would say I was too timid to even consider it. I really like her, she's super nice. :) So I think I'll apply, if I get accepted groovy, if not I'll just do my final semester and then apply for the following year.

While I waited to talk to an advisor in hopes of clarifying my early-graduation prospects, I was asked to model for the upcoming fashion design show. I was really flattered, as this is the second time in less than a month that someone told me I should model. We'll see how it goes; girl can't say no to wearing gorgeous clothes for free. ;).

What else happened today...hmm. Oh! Got an email about my entrance exam so soon I will have that degree plan! It'll be nice to finally have it, I feel like I've been neglecting my art history major, by this time next year I'll be done with my French major so it's about time I get busy with this one.

Speaking of next year, I'm so excited for my classes. I've signed up for three art history course: African Art, Modernism, and Topics in Contemporary art. I've signed up for two French courses: advanced French grammar and advanced French literature III. My last class is Honors world literature(I'm thinking of taking my humanities course over the summer and just doing an honors contract instead of taking 18 hours). Looks like I'll have a full load again, but I think since it will be mostly classes for my majors it won't be so annoying. Fall semester is always my more interesting semester(course wise). Though I must say...this semester has been rather interesting and by the most amazing one I've had so far...for obvious reasons.

On speaking French, scholarhips, art, literature=another long entry

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 23:20:57 GMT

I've found recently that I really badly need to practice speaking French. My French conversation class is fine, but I need to speak it more frequently than twice a week--I need it everyday!

I think I'm just missing hearing everyone around me(except for the people who came with me) speaking French. It was great...I know I could have spoke more but I was extremely timid until Thursday and the "incident," which showed me that I can speak pretty well. I just wish there was a way to practice speaking here! I need to grab a classmate and make it mandatory that we speak to each other only in French...I need to find someone who's not timid though...hmmm.

I'm really excited about the scholarship ceremony next week. I have no idea what scholarship I got and the mystery is killing me! Hahah. I'm also excited because soon this semester will be over and each day I'm closer and closer to the summer and maybe even going back to France if my friend's offer still stands and I can get my finances in order. Let us cross our fingers. :)

-----------------

Recently in survey II we've been discussing orientalism and "otherness" in the sense of the depiction of non-european women in modern art(think Picasso and Matisse) and, equally, the depiction and treatment of women in art in general. The latter doesn't intrigue me as much as the former, mainly because the concept of "otherness" is a bit more of a daunting issue for me than femininity. Moreover, while pondering why Picasso and many of his contemporaries chose to pursue l'art negré or orientalism in their art, it made me think of why France enamores me so and why other things, more domestic things, do not.

I guess the intrigue comes also from the idea hinted on by L.Ferdinand Céline in "Voyage au bout de la Nuit," the idea of getting as far away from where one is in hopes of reaching some form of happiness, while at the same time having the--although pessimistic--realistic acknowledgement that wherever one goes, the "night" is inescapable(although, admittedly, that's not what I'm talking about, but how can one reference Nietzchan philosophy without mentioning Voyage?). It's that hopefulness and interest in what it is like to be something other than what one is and, I guess, trying to figure it out. I've always, albeit unconsciously, thought of my home, Houston, Texas, and, increasingly, the United States as a sort of void or blackhole which I can either escape or plummet into, either willingly or not. I believe this to be a leifmotiv between me and my siblings(or at least the two older ones), ongoing fear of the "void." Although we've never talked about it, I think it's the rapport we have between one another which binds us.

What does this have to do with "otherness? and France? Well, the "other" is that escape for me. The idea of seperation from what is normalcy here and, therefore, becoming the "other" but at the same time having the power to choose. By and by, in France I have that power. I'm different because I am American, and different in the U.S. because I am not like all Americans nor am I French or want to be--what I am is an individual who, perhaps imaginatively and marginally, has cultivated her own little space of existence. Unlike Picasso's Demoiselles or Matisse's falsified L'asie , I would have the power to choose my distinctiveness, more so than I've had that here--no one would be able to cover me with fake meaing, no one important, anyway. Freedom from the void. Yves Klein was trying to find it and I'm trying to get away from it, but of course in this context it has two meanings. Miraculously this ties back to Céline in the sense that one could say my "night" is the void and like Bardamu(the main character in the novel) I'm trying my hardest to find a way out. Let us hope that our results aren't connected also.

Back....so sad.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 00:02:43 GMT

I don't think last week actually happened, maybe I was dreaming. No way that I was in Paris. I have pictures. I have euros. I have other things as proof, but I can't believe it. I wasn't there...je n'ai pas été.... I don't think people understand why that was so monumental, I don't think anyone can. It felt like all this time I've been missing my heart and I've known where to go but couldn't. Then, there. No more thoughts of disaster or sabotage, just there. What else? There's nothing but being, just being and it's overwhelming. I didn't think that a week could change me so much, but now I know Paris and other things have that kind of power. I've never felt so completely at home anywhere or with anyone in my life than when I was in France. I belong there and I will forever be grateful.

Ode à Cassandre

Pierre Ronsard

Mignonne, allons voir si la rose
Qui ce matin avait déclose
Sa robe de pourpre au soleil,
A point perdu cette vesprée
Les plis de sa robe pourprée,
Et son teint au vôtre pareil.

Las ! voyez comme en peu d'espace,
Mignonne, elle a dessus la place,
Las, las ses beautés laissé choir !
O vraiment marâtre nature,
Puisqu'une telle fleur ne dure
Que du matin jusques au soir !

Donc, si vous me croyez, mignonne,
Tandis que votre âge fleuronne
En sa plus verte nouveauté,
Cueillez, cueillez votre jeunesse :
Comme à cette fleur, la vieillesse
Fera ternir votre beauté.

Bonjour from Paris!

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:45:56 GMT

so, my vacation in paris is almost over and I'm very sad. I wish I could travel around France, but I haven't the time. I've seen a lot of really cool stuff. I'm trying to decide if I'll go to Versailles tomorrow(I know I said I HAD to go) or the Louvre. I realized I'm not that interested in going to specific places...I like just walking around aimlessly until I find something interesting. Like today I walked along le quai de musee d'orsay and found the Grande Palais and then realized that the Goya exhibition I've been seeing signs about everywhere was at the Petit Palais. Sooo...I went in there, paid 4,50 euros and it was really cool. Then I walked from there to avenue de la motte piquette grenelle(close to my hotel), realized I'd gone the wrong way...took the metro two stops and went back to my hotel for a nap. Now I'm hanging out at a internet cafe off of st.germaine.

my first day was by far the most exciting, interesting, and fun day. It honestly made my trip worth-wild and made me realize that I need this place. I've never felt more at home anywhere else.
----

HOLY CRAP! Did I mention I saw "the Fountain"? I freaking stood next to Duchamp's "Fountain"! I nearly passed out when I saw it and of course I took a picture next to it. Oh my goodness...I friggin' saw "the fountain."

"you're killing me..."

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 00:10:41 GMT

My classes are ruining me...actually, I'm ruining myself because of my classes. Just now, I realized just how bad my "worrying" is--it's become a little irrational.

I was in my Ancient Roman Art class and my test was last week, I was under the impression(after the test) that I made a B or so...not too bad but enough to make me scold myself for not studying harder and for mixing up the Palace at Knossos with the Temple of Apollo(I knew I'd mixed them up when I did it...but I second guessed my second guess and didn't change it). As the week came and went, and I had my presentation in French conversation where, yet again, my prof. decided to give directions after I'd completed my presentation("don't read off the powerpoint, say something different than what's on there" well yes, but I think I could have avoided this if all my information wasn't on the powerpoint), my perception of my classes went from: "I have B's in my classes/on my work and this is horrible" to "I'm failing everything and I'm extremely stupid, I need to work harder!" So, I get my test back and made an A, surprisingly...but throughout the class I was on the brink of tears because of how bad I thought I'd done. I was shaking throughout the class and have never felt so sick in my life.

Even worse...I got a chance to talk to Dr. James Lawrence after class, whose lecture was superb, might I add(shame on those who chose not to attend), and was completely scatterbrained..I was so nervous that I couldn't get my head on straight(don't ask me why, because I don't even know why--I was nervous talking to my prof. after class). So, I kept trying to synthesize what he was saying but, honestly, his accent made me feel like I wasn't listening to what he was saying at.all.--although I got what he said completely. I keep telling myself I don't understand things that I do, questioning whether I'm smart enough to understand concepts or if I'm just feigning intelligence and will soon be figured out. I'm going to destroy myself with all this self-torture/critique/doubt...hmm, didn't he mention artists doing something similar? Critiquing their work continuously? I do the same thing with my work...

Speaking of the lecture and the idea of "mindless work," I've often thought of this when I think about wanting to do abstract work, conceptual work. How do I create art when I'm influenced by "Monochrome Blue," when if I produce something like that it will be lifeless? The idea behind it is alluring, almost more alluring than the piece itself, the idea of "Le Vide"(=void), something so inconceivable by man(I won't go into the philosophical ideas/concept behind this either, not in the mood for Sartre or nihilism right now) is profound...it pulls you in. How do you depict that? How do I depict ideas, thoughts? How do I depict this untouchable things in my head? How do I explain the meaning they hold even when inaudible? How do I do this without the clichés...? How do you investigate ideas that have already been investigated by amazing, innovative artists--fearless artists-- while at the same time not "copying" their ideas and being innovative yourself? I feel like everything has been done...it's very difficult to think of something new that isn't just another Mondrian or wannabe Duchamp, or more impressionist-influenced dribble...it almost seems like a cop-out.

I watched Camille Claudel today in my French film class and I must say it didn't do much for helping overcome this feeling I have or answer the questions I have about art. I know, it's a movie about love more than art, but it's still moving. It's worrying to think of the uncertainty of things..how people were so willing before now and are now so afraid. Reminds me of "Franny and Zooey" by J.D. Salinger and the question of what is success? Is success only measured by societel ideals or can it be measured by the individual without it being "an excuse" for not meeting expectations?

why can't art have meaning in non-existance? This sounds like a stupid question, but I think what I'm asking is a little deeper than what one might think--it's more of a personal question..and I really can't explain.

I'm really trying not to write a lot of "teeny-bopper" angst(I, personally, don't see it as 'teen angst,' and I've come to hate the word, but since that's what everyone characterizes it as...), I've instead been writing such things on my French blog , or at least trying to, but...what takes me 30 minutes to write in English takes me an hour or longer in French. Right now French distresses me more than anything...

C'est 1h20.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 07:33:47 GMT

It's 1:20 in the morning and I can't sleep. It's because I drank a cup of coffee at 8pm because I was so tired. Now I've got the complete opposite happening...interesting how these things happen. I do, however, prefer not being able to sleep than being tired when I should be awake.

I'm really struggling to get back into the rhythm of things, I'm having such a hard time. I keep fantasizing about things that aren't happening and pushing the reality of things out of the way--it's not a very good system, but it really does lighten the load of things. I have a feeling, though, that this is the week that I get it together. I'm trying to calm myself, as I got grades back in two classes that were low B's. I'm trying to reassure myself that it's ok to start alright so long as I finish strong. I'm trying mellow out, which is hard or me because I'm use to leaning to one extreme or the other. I WILL SURVIVE!

I took the entrance exam Friday and it was really an eye-opener. I feel like my writing abilities have diminished greatly, I'm not the least bit satisfied with my performance...It's funny how I want both to be challenged and to be told bluntly if I've got it or not, but at the same time I know my feelings will be hurt if someone obliges me, but that's how everyone is, aren't they?

I think my current state of mind is due to the fact that Paris is in...five weeks? I'm overly excited and nervous--I'm anticipating both the most amazing and the most crippling experience. I want it all, every ounce of it. I want every single moment of life nowadays, those little tiny things that people take for granted, those little heartbreaks and little breakthroughs--everything.

I've been watching movies like Charade and Jeux d'enfants and they just get me wanting something new. The one thing that eludes me...

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 05:52:04 GMT

So, the past two weeks have been very hectic or rather, very busy. The semester started with a few hardships--I hadn't been working for a month, so I had no money at all! Honestly, I didn't realize I'd be so strained as a result of this, but thankfully I'll be alright by the end of the week----

I'm taking 19 hours and at this point I feel rather stuck with it. I try to analyze exactly how I feel about the number of hours I'm taking before it's waaay too late for me to drop. *sigh* The problem is I have a lot of classes that are once a week and long, so it's hard to gage how they're affecting me.

I found out today, after seeing my adviser, that there are three classes that will no longer be required in the 2008/2009 catalog for CAS majors: wellness, literature, and communications. I have to say, I was really happy to hear that. Also, if I get my total gpa up to 3.8(I'm less than a point away now) and keep it there until I graduate I will be magnum cum laude--ah, just like in high school, only know it would matter. :)

Exciting stuff--
So far, I have two presentations next week, a test, and my "problem" due for survey II. Oh and I found out yesterday that the art history entrance exam is Friday. I'm happy it's nothing to study for....because I've got so many other things to do already.

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 18:14:39 GMT

I just took a glance at my grades and was rather surprised. Although it has been bugging me since Tuesday, when I took my only final in art appreciation, I've managed, for the past week, not to think about it. I figured that I would make three A's and two B's, which would be enough to bring up my GPA. So, I was rather surprised to find that I'd made a 4.0 for this semester. I didn't really expect to get A's in all my classes, for some reason, although I worked hard in all of them. Now I can apply for more scholarships!

Dis moi que tu m'aimes

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:08:17 GMT

Sylvie Vartan is amazing. I love this song.

In other news, I'm back in good old Houston and now I'm just hanging out. I'll get tired of this soon, I think--but for now I'm enjoying it.

IT'S THE END...THE END!!

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 05:57:51 GMT

Wow, this semester is almost done, which is great. Next semester: 19hrs of classes, 16hrs of work, 1 week of Paris, applying for internships and scholarships, and...new art! I've found a concept or purpose for my art, it's very self-relevant and I'm very excited about exploring new mediums in a way to find what I'm looking for.

so, now I just need to finish this blasted paper!

The word "to melt" in French is my favorite word in the WORLD

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 19:33:47 GMT

J'ai juste fini ma classe du dessin et mon dieu... la semaine dernier je suis été en colère après j’ai adressé une pétition à ma classe pour mon dessin être fini. J’expliqué : pour les trois semaines derniers, nous avons dessiné sur le même papier pour chaque dessin, un dessin dessus l’autre jusqu’à nous avons un dessin complète. Puis, nous pouvons adresser une pétition à la classe pour nos dessins finis. En effet, j’ai fait ça et la critique était trop ennuyeuse…mon dieu. Mais, aujourd’hui j’ai parlé avec mon prof. Et je sens meilleur…mais….je ne sais pas…je veux plus de cette class---rien d’avantage. Je pense qu’il y a des choses apprendre sauf je ne suis pas sûre si je ne peux pas les apprendre moi-même. Vous voyez ? C’est difficile…c’est une perte de temps.

I was going to translate this but I changed my mind. I often feel that in drawing classes I can grow stylistically because I don't have issues with proportion very often and even though I feel a shift in my style I'm not sure if it's a result of the dismembered repetition of my drawing class or something else. This semester I don't think I've ever felt so isolated from everyone else(not necessarily a bad thing). I feel like I'm drifting, not arbitrarily at all, but drifting none the less. I guess this is where all of my unease comes from--the fact that I'm going somewhere, most definitely, but I have no idea where. The idea that even in my control over how well I do in my classes or how well I preform at work I ultimately have no control over the bigger picture is unnerving. I use to feel like I at least had control over my art, but now I feel I'm allowing people, all kinds of people, to tell me what to draw and how to draw and what's good and what's not. Qu'est-ce que ça peut me faire? I keep asking myself that...what do I care? Why do I care? Is it important that I do? Am I an egoist? Should I be? I want to let myself slip out of this solidity--I want to slip away from this idea of the Self and existence. I want to step out of myself. I can do that when I paint, but then this process of critique and analyzing fleshes it out and it loses any meaning it had before. I don't want that concreteness. I want the feeling. Je veux fondre.

Roméo et Juliette

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 03:40:51 GMT

I saw Roméo et Juliette performed by the UNT Opera Singers last night and it was superb. Anyone who hasn't seen an opera here or elsewhere should definitely go see it. I love Gounod's rendition of the story: it's witty, fun, passionate and saddening all at the same time. The singers were amazing. I recently started appreciating opera a few years ago, but I had no idea that there was such a huge difference in being there and in just listening to it on the radio. Their voices literally shake you from the inside out. Now I know why some people are so adamant about going to concerts--there's no substitute.

This was actually the second production I've seen by the UNT music department. The first was Le Roi Danse, an adaptation of the music used in the film by the same name that chronicled the life of the Italian composer Jean-Baptiste Lully, who is credited for having brought opera to France during the rule of Louis XVI. That production was wonderful also, as it incorporated opera, dance and orchestra all into one piece. I really need to buy the movie.

This is my favorite song from the opera and the lyrics are so beautiful. That's one thing that makes operas so amazing, the fact that not only do is the singing amazing, but the words--what they are saying--are just as lovely.

Non! non! je ne veux pas t'écouter plus longtemps!
Laisse mon âme à son printemps!

Ah!
Je veux vivre
Dans ce rêve qui m'enivre;
Ce jour encore,
Douce flamme,
Je te garde dans mon âme
Comme un trésor!

Je veux vivre
Dans ce rêve qui m'enivre;
Ce jour encore,
Douce flamme,
Je te garde dans mon âme
Comme un trésor!

Cette ivresse
De jeunesse
Ne dure, hélas! qu'un jour!
Puis vient l'heure
Où l'on pleure,
Le cœur cède à l'amour,
Et le bonheur fuit sans retour.

Je veux vivre,
Dans ce rêve qui m'enivre;
Ce jour encore
Je te garde dans mon âme
Comme un trésor!

Loin de l'hiver morose
Laisse-moi sommeiller
Et respirer la rose
Avant de l'effeuiller.
Ah!
Douce flamme,
Reste dans mon âme
Comme un doux trésor
Longtemps encore!

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 02:23:12 GMT

Doing my honors contract(or rather, the paper that I'm writing for it, but I'll just refer to it as the honors contract) has really made me happy/content. This past week was really great in regard to classes. I've finally got myself back into the mode of doing everything that needs to be done to the best of my ability. I've noticed I start the semester really strong and then as it wanes I lose interest and dedication--I can't let that happen. So, I've restored my A in my lit class, as far as I know. I've got one more test in that class and one more oral presentation that I will do thursday. Tuesday I am turning in my first draft for my honors contract so I can get it back thursday, so I can fix it and then I'll be able to turn it in to the Honors college.

I completely missed the mark when it comes to my cognitive paper for honors human development. Fortunately, my prof. is letting everyone redo it and incorporate it into the social/moral development paper we have due on the 26th. I want to have the cognitive part fixed by the end of the week so I can spend the rest of this month working on the social/moral development part, since this paper will be worth 60 percent of my grade.

I'm really excited about the Paris trip. I've talked to my friends in France and I will hopefully get to see them when I go. It's nearly been a year since I last saw them!

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 00:50:54 GMT

This week is going by slowly.

I've finally gotten to a point with my honors contract that I can start writing, which is very scary in a way. I feel so weary when it comes to French, I've been making so many mistakes lately--I think it's the fault of my spell checker! Haha, no, it's just I haven't been paying attention. Now I will definitely need to. After getting all my assignments back from last week I'm a bit disappointed in myself for letting myself slip.

I signed up for Spring classes Sunday and I'm feeling pretty good about it. It's 19hrs and I'd really like to be able to do it without feeling overwhelmed. I think the busier I am the easier it is for me to stay focused-even now I've got a somewhat filled schedule and I feel like I've got too much time on my hands. *sigh* never satisfied...

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:16:53 GMT

I am half doing my homework now. I'm at the very last line of each, but now I'm stuck.

I submitted my registration form and deposit today for the the Paris trip for Spring Break, so I'm all set. I'm really excited because I'll get to see my friend, maybe she'll show me around since I think we're free to see everything on our own or something. It's going to be fun, I'm sure at the end of the week I won't want to leave.

I went, for thirty minutes and only because I had accidently said I would attend, to a women's self-defense program that one of the RAs was sponsoring. Very lame because the guy teaching us decided to pick on me for the thirty minutes I was there. He even said, because I wasn't making random comments like everyone else, that I probably walked around with my head down and not making eye contact with anyone. Am I wrong to find that a bit offensive? Perhaps if he knew that I didn't want to be there in the first place he wouldn't have made that assumption. Either way, I left soon after.

I've got a test Wednesday, mid-term on Thursday, and portfolio critique next week for Figure Drawing. Everything is a bit spread out, I don't feel overwhelmed at all.

"je te prend tes tactics"

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 17:30:54 GMT

je souhaites que je peux ajouter la musique ici. Je veux tout le monde ecouter la musique francaise!

I had a decent week. Overall it was much better than last week, if I remember correctly. My art appreciation test was so easy, I did well on my recitation for my french lit. class and my phonetics test was overall easy(although I may have screwed up here or there not realized it). So, the stressful part of this week is over.

My friend found a flyer for a COVAD sponsored trip to Paris, France during spring break. I think I'll do that and not go to Canada. I'll maybe try to go to France again for the summer, but who knows? I think that I should really wait though, Dr. Wallace put it into prospective for me--she is so, so nice.

Le conversation cette semaine etait tres bien! I was so pleased this week, I finally got a chance to be in the conversation. It's really important to get there early and sit as close to the Chr. as possible because he is really good about including everyone in the conversation. I love French and art and I couldn't imagine a life without either. They're one in the same for me. I've been painting lately--a painting I was commisioned to do--and it leaves me so... I forgot what it felt like to do independant work and have a quick application of paint turn into four hours of dabbing and mixing and dabbing and blending. All of that anxiety I felt is gone because of painting, yoga, and music. I can't do without them. Jamais.

Chanson D'automne--Paul Verlaine

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 17:12:53 GMT

"Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'automne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Tout suffocant
Et blême, quand
Sonne l'heure,
Je me souviens
Des jours anciens
Et je pleure,

Et je m'en vais
Au vent mauvais
Qui m'emporte
Deçà, delà
Pareil à la
Feuille morte."

I realized that this is the same poet that had relations with my favorite French poet thus far, Authur Rimbaud(ri bo), the I is nasal but I can't make the symbol...so yeah. Anyway, I love Rimbaud, he's amazing. This is one of the poems I have to memorize and recite Tuesday.

I'm so very tired. I can't just sleep it off either. I'm restless--I often get like this and I can't stand it. I want to do extra EVERYTHING but at the same time I have absolutely no motivation. I should fast I think, maybe that will get me out of this funk. Next week will be busy: two tests, poem recitations, meet with advisors, get busy with honors contract(!!!!!), submit information for NSE. phew...busy busy.

I need to pay more attention to my responses for lit class. I get so embarassed when I make stupid mistakes like saying "collection" instead of "recueil"-WE WENT OVER THIS IN THE CLASS BEFORE, saying la ligne instead of vers--WE WENT OVER THIS THE CLASS BEFORE DANG IT!! I bet my teacher thinks I'm such an idiot or a slacker. I feel like one. It amazes me how much I beat myself up about the mistakes, yet I keep doing it...I've made myself a schedule though, so I can get accelerate my skills. I'm going to actually use the grammer and verb and vocabulary books I bought over the summer.

Chanson d'automne

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 01:03:33 GMT

I don't what I'm doing right now. I've been thinking again about the BFA and BA in Art History, simply because I would really like to study abroad next year, which would be possible with the BA. Also, more and more I'm finding that the studio classes I'm taking aren't what I want. I wanted to take Painting I so badly...I just wish Design II was a requirement.

I talked to my art appreciation professor, who, of course, is one of the art history course professors. Anyway, he gave me some good information. It's good that he had the same interest in studio art when he was pursuing his BA as I do, which has got me thinking that doing the BA and just taking whatever studio art I'm interested in on the side might be the best idea. I'm just not moved by my figure drawing class. It seems so trivial, although I know I'm learning something important about art...

I feel so drained although I can't sleep at night because of all the thinking. I don't know what to do...

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 23:55:20 GMT

Oh mon dieu...j'ai passé un mal jour.

Hier, j'ai fait le connaissance de un homme français. Il était très gentil. Il est la personne qui a des tables de la français le mercredi. Donc, j'ai decidé y aller aujourd'hui car je veux parler français plus fréquentment. Mais, quand j'ai arrivé, il y a beaucoup des gens qui ne parlent PAS en français. "Mon Dieu" je pense, parce que ce n'est pas ce que j'ai espèré. Alors, eventuallement le français viens à moi et il m'a parlé et il a parlé à quelqu'un autre qui n'a parle pas en français avec quelqu'un, aussi. Mais, tout le temps que j'ai essayé lui parler, ou entendre ce que il m'a demandé, il y a une autre personne qui lui parle et puis...je n'ai pas dit beaucoup à lui. Je suis triste...parce que je veux parler avec les français pour practiquer mon français oral...mon dieu.

And so concludes me complaining in French. This is my way of saying I've gotten rather good, but also I just got out of my french phonetics class and came from the not-so-french french conversation table at uncommon grounds(yes, I decided that the 40 minutes I had to practice was better than nothing), so my brain is in french mode. I'm so sad. I wanted to speak more, but the fact that 1) most of the people I was by for the first 20 minutes I was there weren't speaking in french, 2) I couldn't hear anything when someone did speak to me in french 3) everyone was swarming the only french person there--all of these things hindered my ability to speak. HOWEVER, I did discovered that my reaction time/understanding has greatly increased from the summer. I use to get so nervous when I spoke in the conversation class I was in(maybe also because we talked about booooring subjects), but now I understand and can answer easily if I know what I'm being asked. I don't really think I've improved as much as it seems, I'm in doubt.

I want to practice speaking so badly!

Padam...padam..padam

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 21:14:44 GMT

Friday! Vendredi!. Magnifique! I'm so happy for the weekend. I have a little cold that's makes it hard to get up in the morning so sleeping-in will be nice, but I can't over do it! I have work to do!

I've decided to make flyers about my looking for a french conversation partner, since I work during the french conversation table at Uncommon Ground(how did I managed that, three semesters in a row?). If I want to get better I need to be proactive, right? I found out my french friend who studied here last fall semester has a friend who's here this year(phew, long sentence), so maybe I can meet him? I hope. I want someone to practice with! Is there anyone learning french who wants to practice speaking? anyone? anyone?

My classes are interesting. I like my professors a great deal, especially my french professors, but I've already mentioned that. I have an inkling of what I'll be working on for the Honors Contract-M. Sirvent was very helpful. I think I'll take his advice and use a translated version of "Journey to the end of the Night" as reference as I read the original text. I won't get anywhere if I read the french version only, it's such a difficult book and there are so many words/idioms I don't know. It's a great vocab. builder, though.

My classes are so stimulating, it's great.

"A Ninon" de Alfred de Musset

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 02:42:48 GMT

EDIT: here's the whole poem

Si je vous le disais pourtant, que je vous aime,
Qui sait, brune aux yeux bleus, ce que vous en diriez ?
L'amour, vous le savez, cause une peine extrême ;
C'est un mal sans pitié que vous plaignez vous-même ;
Peut-être cependant que vous m'en puniriez.

Si je vous le disais, que six mois de silence
Cachent de longs tourments et des voeux insensés :
Ninon, vous êtes fine, et votre insouciance
Se plaît, comme une fée, à deviner d'avance ;
Vous me répondriez peut-être : Je le sais.

Si je vous le disais, qu'une douce folie
A fait de moi votre ombre, et m'attache à vos pas :
Un petit air de doute et de mélancolie,
Vous le savez, Ninon, vous rend bien plus jolie;
Peut-être diriez-vous que vous n'y croyez pas.

Si je vous le disais, que j'emporte dans l'âme
Jusques aux moindres mots de nos propos du soir :
Un regard offensé, vous le savez, madame,
Change deux yeux d'azur en deux éclairs de flamme ;
Vous me défendriez peut-être de vous voir.

Si je vous le disais, que chaque nuit je veille,
Que chaque jour je pleure et je prie à genoux ;
Ninon, quand vous riez, vous savez qu'une abeille
Prendrait pour une fleur votre bouche vermeille ;
Si je vous le disais, peut-être en ririez-vous.

Mais vous n'en saurez rien. Je viens, sans rien en dire,
M'asseoir sous votre lampe et causer avec vous ;
Votre voix, je l'entends ; votre air, je le respire ;
Et vous pouvez douter, deviner et sourire,
Vos yeux ne verront pas de quoi m'être moins doux.

Je récolte en secret des fleurs mystérieuses :
Le soir, derrière vous, j'écoute au piano
Chanter sur le clavier vos mains harmonieuses,
Et, dans les tourbillons de nos valses joyeuses,
Je vous sens, dans mes bras, plier comme un roseau.

La nuit, quand de si loin le monde nous sépare,
Quand je rentre chez moi pour tirer mes verrous,
De mille souvenirs en jaloux je m'empare ;
Et là, seul devant Dieu, plein d'une joie avare,
J'ouvre, comme un trésor, mon coeur tout plein de vous.

J'aime, et je sais répondre avec indifférence ;
J'aime, et rien ne le dit ; j'aime, et seul je le sais ;
Et mon secret m'est cher, et chère ma souffrance ;
Et j'ai fait le serment d'aimer sans espérance,
Mais non pas sans bonheur ; je vous vois, c'est assez.

Non, je n'étais pas né pour ce bonheur suprême,
De mourir dans vos bras et de vivre à vos pieds.
Tout me le prouve, hélas ! jusqu'à ma douleur même...
Si je vous le disais pourtant, que je vous aime,
Qui sait, brune aux yeux bleus, ce que vous en diriez ?