Roi d'Étre et de Néant

My classes are ruining me...actually, I'm ruining myself because of my classes. Just now, I realized just how bad my "worrying" is--it's become a little irrational.

I was in my Ancient Roman Art class and my test was last week, I was under the impression(after the test) that I made a B or so...not too bad but enough to make me scold myself for not studying harder and for mixing up the Palace at Knossos with the Temple of Apollo(I knew I'd mixed them up when I did it...but I second guessed my second guess and didn't change it). As the week came and went, and I had my presentation in French conversation where, yet again, my prof. decided to give directions after I'd completed my presentation("don't read off the powerpoint, say something different than what's on there" well yes, but I think I could have avoided this if all my information wasn't on the powerpoint), my perception of my classes went from: "I have B's in my classes/on my work and this is horrible" to "I'm failing everything and I'm extremely stupid, I need to work harder!" So, I get my test back and made an A, surprisingly...but throughout the class I was on the brink of tears because of how bad I thought I'd done. I was shaking throughout the class and have never felt so sick in my life.

Even worse...I got a chance to talk to Dr. James Lawrence after class, whose lecture was superb, might I add(shame on those who chose not to attend), and was completely scatterbrained..I was so nervous that I couldn't get my head on straight(don't ask me why, because I don't even know why--I was nervous talking to my prof. after class). So, I kept trying to synthesize what he was saying but, honestly, his accent made me feel like I wasn't listening to what he was saying at.all.--although I got what he said completely. I keep telling myself I don't understand things that I do, questioning whether I'm smart enough to understand concepts or if I'm just feigning intelligence and will soon be figured out. I'm going to destroy myself with all this self-torture/critique/doubt...hmm, didn't he mention artists doing something similar? Critiquing their work continuously? I do the same thing with my work...

Speaking of the lecture and the idea of "mindless work," I've often thought of this when I think about wanting to do abstract work, conceptual work. How do I create art when I'm influenced by "Monochrome Blue," when if I produce something like that it will be lifeless? The idea behind it is alluring, almost more alluring than the piece itself, the idea of "Le Vide"(=void), something so inconceivable by man(I won't go into the philosophical ideas/concept behind this either, not in the mood for Sartre or nihilism right now) is profound...it pulls you in. How do you depict that? How do I depict ideas, thoughts? How do I depict this untouchable things in my head? How do I explain the meaning they hold even when inaudible? How do I do this without the clichés...? How do you investigate ideas that have already been investigated by amazing, innovative artists--fearless artists-- while at the same time not "copying" their ideas and being innovative yourself? I feel like everything has been done...it's very difficult to think of something new that isn't just another Mondrian or wannabe Duchamp, or more impressionist-influenced dribble...it almost seems like a cop-out.

I watched Camille Claudel today in my French film class and I must say it didn't do much for helping overcome this feeling I have or answer the questions I have about art. I know, it's a movie about love more than art, but it's still moving. It's worrying to think of the uncertainty of things..how people were so willing before now and are now so afraid. Reminds me of "Franny and Zooey" by J.D. Salinger and the question of what is success? Is success only measured by societel ideals or can it be measured by the individual without it being "an excuse" for not meeting expectations?

why can't art have meaning in non-existance? This sounds like a stupid question, but I think what I'm asking is a little deeper than what one might think--it's more of a personal question..and I really can't explain.

I'm really trying not to write a lot of "teeny-bopper" angst(I, personally, don't see it as 'teen angst,' and I've come to hate the word, but since that's what everyone characterizes it as...), I've instead been writing such things on my French blog , or at least trying to, but...what takes me 30 minutes to write in English takes me an hour or longer in French. Right now French distresses me more than anything...