Roi d'Étre et de Néant

It's 1:20 in the morning and I can't sleep. It's because I drank a cup of coffee at 8pm because I was so tired. Now I've got the complete opposite happening...interesting how these things happen. I do, however, prefer not being able to sleep than being tired when I should be awake.

I'm really struggling to get back into the rhythm of things, I'm having such a hard time. I keep fantasizing about things that aren't happening and pushing the reality of things out of the way--it's not a very good system, but it really does lighten the load of things. I have a feeling, though, that this is the week that I get it together. I'm trying to calm myself, as I got grades back in two classes that were low B's. I'm trying to reassure myself that it's ok to start alright so long as I finish strong. I'm trying mellow out, which is hard or me because I'm use to leaning to one extreme or the other. I WILL SURVIVE!

I took the entrance exam Friday and it was really an eye-opener. I feel like my writing abilities have diminished greatly, I'm not the least bit satisfied with my performance...It's funny how I want both to be challenged and to be told bluntly if I've got it or not, but at the same time I know my feelings will be hurt if someone obliges me, but that's how everyone is, aren't they?

I think my current state of mind is due to the fact that Paris is in...five weeks? I'm overly excited and nervous--I'm anticipating both the most amazing and the most crippling experience. I want it all, every ounce of it. I want every single moment of life nowadays, those little tiny things that people take for granted, those little heartbreaks and little breakthroughs--everything.

I've been watching movies like Charade and Jeux d'enfants and they just get me wanting something new. The one thing that eludes me...